FREAKY 21th April 2006

Its 21st April 2006, Friday. Promised to go out with 3 other colleagues but wanted to not spend so much $$ and spend some time on my own... Hence, i told them, i'll give it a miss... Later that day, another colleague came and asked if i wanted to accompany her to get birthday present for another colleague whom i'm quite good terms with.. So i said OK.. but shop nearby cos i wanted to go home earlier...

We walked round and round at Causeway Point before settling on a particular bag that we thought will suit her... I also noticed that bodyshop was having 60% sale off some of their products... I called my godbro, knowing that he is a Oceanus shower gel fan, whether he wanted to get any for himself... In the end i bought 2 bottles of 500ML for him...

As i walked towards the door of the Causeway Point, i saw a grp of pple whom i used to know in Sec Sch days... i was in the same band as them.. and some of them were my schoolmates / classmated back in pri sch days too.... Honestly, to see them, i was very shocked... being the friendly person, i walked up and said hi to them... there were abt 12 of them... basically, i chatted a bit with them, finding out a bit of how they were, etc... Little did i know that it was a gathering arranged to celebrate angie getting married in this year... Well, i was not contacted... reason being, back in Sec Sch days, in the end of year 3, we were not on speaking terms anymore... It was a painful time for me, it was a qhole cliqque verus me alone time, it was no easy cos i wanted to be accepted so badly back then, well, maybe i still yearn to be accepted now, but less strong i guess or at least i think i've matured in terms of this area... although the matter has passed for so long, i guess, i was back to my low confidence and quiet self.. it was as if, it was back to sec sch days when i met them... BUT i never once looked back and regretted that i'm no longer in contact with them....

one of their sister walked past (whom i also knew since sec sch days) and chatted with me as well... as they walked away, she asked me why aren't i following them and my reply was "i don't know (smiling)" cos i really din know why i had to follow them / not to follow them... was it a wrong anwser to give?? she ran up to her sister and asked her why and tried to get them to ask me along.. I was so EMBARASSED... darn EMBARASSED... when she came back,m i told her, i've not been keepign contact with them and have been busy.. AND the maing thing was, I WANTED to go home earlier... with that we bade each other goodbye and parted our ways...

When i was on the bus back home, i was so UPSET and OVERWHELMED... i tried calling a few pple, but no one picked up.. i felt so lonely.... suddenly my phone rang and it was my godbro... he wanted to pick up the things from me and i asked if he could spare sometime for me... cos i was really upset... being my bro for so long, i guess he could tell that i was really upset so he stayed around with me for a while.. listening to me.. not being too round about with his words... watching me cry in silence.. i don't like to cry cos i always saw it as a sign of weakness of mine, it always made me feel vulnerable and naked in front of others.. sad right?? i don't know why i thought of it that way, high exectation of myself i guess...

The feeling loneliness, yearn to be accepted and to forgive others, not meeting my own expectation all came toegther... Overwhelmed with all this emotions, i was not feeling good at all.. felt low and depressing.. my godbro did managed to lift my spirits a bit and told me to relook into my issues... cos he knows how it affects me and it feels like shit when i have to deal with them over and over again... it SUCKSS BIG TIME...

i have decided... I will forgive myself for not forgiving them.. cos i always thought that i can forgive people as time heals the wound... try to look for more strenghtens in myself.. and most of all, start to love more abt myself... love the strengthens and weakness that's present in me.. cos tt's what makes me unique no matter how others see me... to do this, i have to really try cos i've not been paying attention in that area for such a long while and to try pry open the closed door that has been left unexplored for so long will be hard to start.. but i believe once i get into it, i will be able to get it going...

WISH ME LUCK...